


Bad Decisions

by Secondhandpianist



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Cheating, M/M, Pregnancy, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Unplanned Pregnancy, trans!Iceland
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2019-11-23 06:35:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18148376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Secondhandpianist/pseuds/Secondhandpianist
Summary: Eirikur is a young trans man who finds himself in a predicament when he becomes pregnant with one of his four boyfriend's child. The story focusses on him coming to terms with his decisions and dealing with the situation he finds himself in.Human AU, based loosely in Iceland.





	1. Chapter 1: Bad News

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a proper fanfiction in years, but I'm hoping to get back into the swing of this. Author is a trans man, but I still apologise if anything upsets or offends.
> 
> Eirikur is a disaster. 
> 
> I'm working on Chapter 2 so more should be coming soonish.  
> Feel free to comment with suggestions, I'm always excited to hear what people think about my work.

Eirikur generally liked to believe that he was a good and responsible person. He always paid his bills on time, he hardly ever missed work, and he took good care of himself generally speaking. He ate well, and swam on the weekends, went hiking, and even cooked meals for his family from time to time. All this being said, a series of events was starting to make him doubt these beliefs. Could he be considered responsible or even good after he found out what he’d managed to get himself into. 

His day begun like most others, in his bed. He lived in a shared home with his brother Lukas, and Mathias Lukas’s partner, as well as his cousin Berwald and Timo who was Berwald’s partner. Five people in one house was a lot at times, but he didn’t mind it really. As much as the others could get loud and annoying, it still beat being alone all the time like he had been as a child. Having people around, even if he didn’t talk to them much helped him not get too weird, since if he didn’t live with them, he’d end up isolating himself too much. His brain went to weird places when he was left alone for too long.

It was while he laid in bed that he felt a wave of nausea come over him, forcing him out of bed to the bathroom to throw up. This wasn’t the first time he’d ended up slumped over the toilet on the cold bathroom tiles in the past couple of weeks. In fact, it was becoming an everyday occurrence for him now, feeling sick and bloated and just- gross really. Initially he’d thought it was nothing, but it was getting to the point that it was starting to be a real problem. He was missing work, which he wasn’t happy about at all, and his family was starting to get worried for his health too, since he’d been struggling to eat. He couldn’t seem to keep much food down, which wasn’t like him at all, and despite hardly eating, he looked terribly bloated all of the time now, and he felt it too. He’d taken to just wearing sweat pants, since button up pants just felt uncomfortable. 

Lukas had suggested earlier that week that perhaps it was stomach flu, or that he was just constipated or gassy or something. Eirikur couldn’t help but feel embarrassed at the idea of his brother talking about his uh… business? So he didn’t really listen to what he said, and he didn’t want to ask him again, it’d only make him worry after all. Instead, he opened up his laptop and turned it on. Perhaps the internet had the answers he was looking for. Initially, he just searched for causes of nausea, reading through the list of reasons it could be. Motion sickness? Nope. Early pregnancy? He was hoping not. Medication? Nope. Pain? Nope. Gallbladder disease? What even was a gallbladder? That sounded made up. Food poisoning was a definite no, and he didn’t have an infection.

Hmm…. He didn’t think he could get pregnant, not since he’d been on T, but he was struggling to find any other reasons for him feeling so ill for all this time. He’d been having the injections for a bit over a year now, so surely he couldn’t have still been able to have a kid- Not to mention he’d had unprotected sex a good few times since his period had stopped and he hadn’t become pregnant any of those times- He had made sure that the partners he’d been with didn’t have any STDs beforehand, but still. Now he had to look up whether or not it was even possible to become pregnant while on HRT. 

He googled it, and started reading some information and ah. Okay. He could get pregnant by the looks of things, and not only that, if he continued using the testosterone, he could endanger the possible foetus if there was one. Well shit. This was going to make life very complicated if it was indeed the case. He’d need to find a way to tell his boyfriends, and his family, and he really really wasn’t looking forward to their reactions whatsoever, though he knew there wasn’t much to be done about that. He needed to tell them as soon as he knew for sure what was going on.

To clarify, he was simultaneously dating four different men. None of them knew about the others, at least not to his knowledge. The real word for dating four people without them knowing or consenting was cheating, but he didn’t want to think about it like that. That would make him a bad person, and irresponsible, right? He wasn’t like that. He just… liked all of them, and liked always having someone to spend time with, having a lot of attention and praise from them. They were all great people that he loved spending time around, kissing, cuddling, fucking- Which was probably how he’d managed to get pregnant in the first place. Great… great… He needed to call up his doctor’s surgery and make an appointment. He needed to find out whether he was pregnant or not as soon as possible, so he could figure out how to tell them, and what to do with his health, and whether he even wanted to keep it or not-

Eirikur made up his mind and called up the doctor’s surgery to make an appointment. He was able to go in later that morning, which was a relief since waiting longer would be agonising in this situation. Just a couple of hours felt hellish. Still, he got himself dressed, had a cracker and something to drink, hoping he’d be able to keep those down, before brushing his teeth and spending some time just scrolling through his social media before it was time for the appointment. All he wanted to do was take his mind off of it, but he couldn’t seem to. Everything seemed to make him think back to the idea that he could very well be pregnant. 

It didn’t take long to get to the doctor’s surgery once it was time to go. The walk was only about twenty minutes, and the fresh air did help to calm Eirikur down somewhat. He took a seat in the waiting room once he arrived, and waited to be called in. The room smelt strongly of disinfectant and it was honestly making him feel sick, but he ignored it as much as he could until his name was called. He shuffled into the examination room, sitting down and shaking the doctor’s gloved hand politely as he was asked what exactly he was here to see the doctor about today. God, he didn’t want to be having this conversation- This man had been his doctor since he was a baby pretty much, he really didn’t want to tell him if he was pregnant on accident- he would be so disappointed- 

“So- uh… I’ve just been feeling kind of sick lately y’know? I’ve been feeling sick and kind of bloated, and just- yeah… not- not good, y’know?” he said, his hands fiddling with each other nervously, his palms were already pretty sweaty. “Maybe it is just an infection or something, right-? It could just be nothing-“ he said, not meeting the man’s eyes. He couldn’t bring himself to, just kind of looking at a poster with a diagram of the human body on it.

The doctor gave a soft laugh “I can’t give you a diagnosis from just that, we’ll need to run some blood tests and a physical examination.” He told him. These were not particularly fun, but Eirikur put up with them, allowing the doctor to check over his abdomen. He didn’t really know what the doctor was checking for, but he did feel awkward and self-conscious about how gross and bloated he looked at the minute. The nurse to come and take his blood after the examination which was a quick and relatively painless procedure. He didn’t look when the blood was taken, he got dizzy when he looked for some reason, so he just averted his eyes until it was over and done with. “If you go back to the waiting room, I’ll call you back in once the bloods have been looked over.” The Doctor said once all the blood was collected, and the nurse had put a cotton ball and tape over where the blood had been taken. 

Eirikur nodded quietly, standing up, his arm feeling a little achy now “Thanks.” He said, heading over to the door and then to the waiting room, sitting back down. It was a quiet day at the surgery, but there were still a few people sitting in the waiting room. He couldn’t help but wonder why other people were there, and what they thought he was there for. What would they think of him if they knew he was pregnant? What would they think of him if they knew he hadn’t been born a man? He did feel that a majority of the time he passed as a man, and no one there would think otherwise- at least in this moment, but getting pregnant would change that for him. Sure, he wouldn’t have breasts, they were gone for good, but he’d still look pregnant it couldn’t be hidden. He really didn’t want people to look at him badly. Maybe this could all be explained with something else. God he hoped so. He waited until he was called back in, feeling a hot flush of shame coming over him as he stood up, he could almost feel the answer coming then and there, and amount of shame coursing through him. He sat down in the doctor’s office, bracing himself for the words he felt were almost inevitable now. 

“Well Mr Steilsson, I can inform you that you do not have an infection, or anything else seriously wrong with you. This being said, you are pregnant.” The doctor said. Eirikur knew it. Fuck. “Which… raises some concerns, as I’m sure you understand,” He told him “Given you are currently receiving testosterone injections, you would be advised to take a break while pregnant, if you want to keep the child, as it could pose a significant risk to the health of the baby. If you would rather have an abortion, I do understand, you could continue with your hormones as usual, and we could refer you to the sexual health clinic to access this. That being said- I would rather you wait a little before you make that decision. Have a think, talk to your family, your partner, this is a big decision after all.”

Well. There it was. Plain and simple. He was pregnant. He tried not to cringe when the man mentioned talking to his partner. He had several of those, and he was going to need to talk about it to all of them really. Still, he needed to know more, so he questioned further “Do you know uh- how far along I might be-?” he asked “Since it’s not like I’ve had a period in over a year now, and I have been y’know- active pretty much all the way during that time.” He told him awkwardly. Damn, he supposed it was too late now for Plan B. He never wanted to talk to his doctor about having had sex ever again. It was way too embarrassing.

The doctor shrugged in a non-committal way “I can’t tell you that, but we can book you in for an ultrasound scan at the hospital, and they’ll be able to tell you that, I should think.” He told him “I can do that for you now.” He said, turning his attention to his computer, leaning in and filling out the referral form “They should call later today to schedule an appointment for some time this week.” He told him “Is there anything else I can do for you?” he asked, turning his attention back to Eirikur. 

Eirikur looked down, trying to think of any questions he had that the doctor could answer. He had a lot of questions, but none of them were really doctor specific it seemed. “I uh… I don’t think so-“ he mumbled awkwardly “I don’t think I have any other questions, but thank you and stuff.” He said, standing up after a moment, offering his hand to shake again “Thank you again- You uh- you take care.”

“And you, take care of yourself, and give your family my regards.” The doctor said with a kindly smile, shaking his hand. Eirikur had been seeing this doctor since he was a child, so it was kind of embarrassing really to find out he was pregnant like this, and to have no idea when the child was conceived, or who the father even was. He was only 20, how was he supposed to handle this-? But he was thankful at least that the man didn’t seem to be judging him in any way for the situation he was in, and just gave him what he needed to know. It was a relief in a way, though not from his main anxiety which was still- well it was terrifying.

How was he supposed to talk to the possible fathers to be about this? What was he supposed to say to them? ‘Hey there, things have been going great lately, would you want to father my child even if it’s possibly not yours and one of the other guys I’ve been seeing’s?’ yeah- no. That wouldn’t go down well. He really did love all of them, just… well- he supposed he was selfish- very selfish. He had decided for whatever reason that just one boyfriend wasn’t enough- he wanted more- for some reason. He couldn’t have just one, but he also wasn’t open enough to suggest a polyamorous relationship since he seemed to get into new relationships too quickly for it to be an appropriate topic to broach. There was only a short period of time which could be considered appropriate to suggest that, beyond that period, it was just… bad taste. He really did love them all though, they each had something about them he adored.

They were just all so different too. Alfred was funny, and strong, and kind of oblivious but in a sweet way always wanting to do the right thing even if he messed up now and then, meanwhile Leon was more gentle and had a different sense of humour and gave him nice food as well as being someone he could relax with, though he had his own concerns about Leon and some of his lifestyle choices, mostly that of the drugs he used. Sadik gave him good food too, and had the body of a God in Eirikur’s own opinion, plus he gave good advice and had a handsome beard, and Lars was more quiet, he didn’t say much, but he was so sweet in quieter ways and always made him feel cared for, God- he couldn’t pick between them even if he wanted to, it’d be like asking a mother to pick a favourite child-! 

And yet, all this excuse making didn’t get him out of the situation he was currently in, the situation in which he was pregnant, and there were four possible fathers. His brother was going to be so disappointed with him. He had no idea how he was going to tell his family. He supposed, if he got an abortion, he wouldn’t have to tell anyone but… the thought of that made his head hot with guilt. 

He still could, but… he at least needed to talk to his brother about it. If no one else, he still needed to tell his older brother and ask him for advice. As much as he liked to be a grown up, and as much as he liked to prove to the others that he was capable of making his own decisions without any help thank you very much- this was serious.

He started to walk home, putting his hood up as it started to rain, his shoes splashing in puddles on the footpath as he did. His mind was swimming with thoughts, he almost felt dizzy. When he got home, he went back to bed, glad the house was quiet. He pulled out his phone once he was comfortable and started scrolling through his social media feed, as if that would somehow help him calm down. It wouldn’t. After a while, he put his phone back down and just laid there, staring up at the ceiling. He needed a game plan. He needed to figure out exactly what to do.


	2. Chapter 2: Breaking the News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eirikur talks to his brother Lukas about the news, and tries to figure out what he should do going forwards.

It hadn’t been long since Eirikur had discovered that he was pregnant. His appointment had been less than an hour ago in fact, but his mind was racing. He felt restless just laying in his bed after a while, and sat up, trying to think of what on earth he should do now. He got back out of his bed after staying sat there for a while, wondering if he could just go and live in the mountains for the rest of his life as a goat herder and never return to civilization. It was an enticing idea, but… he didn’t have the money or resources to do that right now. Not coming to any meaningful conclusions, he headed to the kitchen. Making a decision without proper caffeination, he decided, was a bad idea, so he made himself a pot of coffee to help himself focus. He poured himself a cup and took a sip, burning his tongue, before realising that he couldn’t drink the coffee. He was pregnant, and caffeine would hurt the baby if he chose to keep it. He heaved a sigh of exasperation and just made some hot chocolate instead, and went to his room to write up a list of things he needed to get done.

It took a while to come up with a list, after a lot of just staring at the blank piece of paper, and scrolling through Facebook on his phone to avoid thinking about what he needed to do, but eventually, he came up with a list. It felt incomplete, but it was as much as he could force out of his brain at the moment.

To Do List:  
\- Talk to Lukas about what the fuck I’m going to do  
\- Organise Ultrasound scan (On the phone????)  
\- Decide whether to keep it or not  
\- Figure out who the dad is???????  
\- Talk to possible dads about being possibly dads  
\- Hhhhhhhhhhhh throw myself into the fucking sun God fucking damn it I’m a fucking idiot.

The last one he probably wouldn’t do, but still. He felt it in his soul.

Okay. Now he felt vaguely organised, but he still felt sick, and the hot chocolate actually wasn’t helping at all. He took a few sips, but it was way too rich and just made him run to the bathroom to throw up again. Ugh. He slumped down on the tile floor over the toilet for the second time today, taking deep breaths and leaning over the seat as he felt the nausea slowly subside. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe himself. Pregnant- he still felt like a kid. Like legally 20 was an adult, but he didn’t feel like one yet, he didn’t own a car, or a house, or have a full-time job, or a degree, he wasn’t married, or even settled with any one person, he still lived with his family after all. Not to mention, it was starting to dawn on him that maybe the fathers to be would be quite upset to hear that he’d been sleeping around. It really should’ve been obvious to him, but he’d been avoiding thinking about it almost completely really. He rested his face on his hands, zoning out just thinking about all of the trouble he was in.

He had no idea what to do, just staring into space, slumped over the toilet until he felt a hand on his shoulder. The touch made him jump a little, his mind being pulled from his thoughts and back into reality. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been there, what time it was, or who just touched him. He jerked his head up to see who’d put their hand on his shoulder, probably looking pretty pathetic just sat there on the bathroom tiles looking like a mess. His face was all puffy, and his mouth tasted bad, and his hair was a mess from being in and out of bed, not to mention his clothes were looking scruffy, and he was still shaking a little. 

It was Lukas. Of course it would’ve been him. That was probably a good thing though, since he was the one he wanted to talk about all of this to, rather than any of the others just yet.

“You doing okay?” Lukas asked, his voice soft and sympathetic, and concern clear on his features “You’ve been so sick lately- you really ought to go see a doctor-“ he added, “I can call them up for you now if you want-”

Eirikur sat back from the toilet seat a bit now, leaning his back against the wall and pushing the hair off of his face. He still couldn’t figure out how to tell Lukas what he needed to tell him, but he knew he needed to explain it all “I- uh… I went to the doctors earlier actually.” He told him honestly, thinking about how exactly he was supposed to phrase this, and how maybe this wasn’t the best place to break the news “Can we talk about it not on the bathroom floor though?” He added, slowly pulling himself off of the floor, with a little help from his brother, and dusting himself off a little before flushing the sick down the toilet and heading back to his room “I’d rather not have just anyone walking in on the conversation, y’know-“

Lukas nodded “Understandable.” He said simply, walking beside him back to his room, keeping his hand on his little brother’s shoulder. Eirikur closed the door once they were both inside. He didn’t want anyone else walking in or overhearing the conversation since it was a very uncomfortable topic, and he wanted to be in control of exactly who knew at any given time. He slumped down onto his bed again, getting under the covers a bit for comfort. Well… no time like the present.

“So… uh… yeah- I went to the doctors earlier and I found out the problem.” He began, stalling for time. For anything really. He had no idea how to tell his brother that he was pregnant, he was so ashamed of himself. He was sure Lukas would be disappointed in him for this. He couldn’t fathom what he was supposed to say in this situation whatsoever. He ran a hand through his hair, his sweaty palm pushing back greasy hair. God, he needed a shower. He’d been feeling like shit lately, and admittedly hadn’t been looking after himself as well as he’d hoped to.

“Right, that’s good.” Lukas said “What’s wrong then? Is it embarrassing-?” he asked tilting his head a little sympathetically, the second question he half whispered “If you don’t want me to tell the others, I won’t.” he said “And if you don’t want to tell me- I get it, but I would prefer if you told me. I might be able to help, or at least understand.” Always the responsible older brother it seemed. Eirikur was glad to have a good older brother like him, not that he’d admit to that though.

Eirikur nodded at what he’d said “Yeah, I guess it kind of is embarrassing, and I would prefer for you not to tell them… I’ll tell them when I figure out how to I guess.” He added. He had to tell him now. But words seemed to fail him, his mouth opening and closing like a goldfish as he tried to figure out how to tell his loving and supportive older brother what he had done. He would have cried then and there, but he wasn’t much of a crier. Okay. Deep breath. He could do this. He just had to say it. God, why was this so hard!?

Lukas looked a little uncertain, his brow creasing a little bit “Is it a uh… a sex thing?” he asked, making Eirikur’s face heat up more than it already was. It was very much a sex thing. Eirikur nodded quietly. Lukas nodded in response “Right okay- is it… an STI?” he asked gently “Because if it is, I promise you I’m not going to judge- we’ve all been there-“

That wasn’t what Eirikur had expected to hear from him, he wasn’t sure what ‘We’ve all been there’ meant about his brother, but he tried not to think too deeply on that. He shook his head. It wasn’t that. He was clean with regards to that, and he was glad to be so as well. He did have some level of concern about that, as much as he did like to be sure that his partners had clean bills of sexual health and or used condoms. He supposed he wasn’t as vigilant about condoms as he should’ve been. After all, if he was, he wouldn’t be pregnant.

“It’s not an STI really- or uh… anything like that- Fuck- how do I say this-“ he mumbled, trying to find his words still “I’m…” He groaned with exasperation, why was it so hard to say two single words!? It shouldn’t have been so difficult “I’m…” he heaved a heavy sigh. He could do this. He could say it. He had to tell him. He couldn’t end the conversation until he did “I’m pregnant.” There. It was out. He finally said it, though he felt no relief after doing so, jut anxiety in the pit of his stomach, threatening to make him throw up again, terrified of what his brother’s reaction would be.

Eirikur could tell that his brother was doing his best not to visibly react, though he couldn’t tell what emotion Lukas was trying to mask. He had no idea if the man sat beside him was angry, or happy, or disappointed, or even thought it was funny, which he was really hoping wasn’t the case. Somehow the thought of Lukas laughing at him for this was worse than him being angry. He’d hate that more than anything. Nothing would make him feel like more of a failure than his brother laughing at him for his mistake.

Lukas didn’t laugh though, he just took a few moments of silence, clearly struggling to find what he wanted to say himself. Eirikur wasn’t sure what the man wanted to say, so he just stayed quiet, looking down at his hands, only speaking after a few minutes had passed and Lukas had yet to say anything.

“I understand if you’re mad at me…” Eirikur began, hoping that it wasn’t that, and that Lukas wasn’t terribly disappointed in him “It’s fine if you are, I mean I’m mad at me too, to be honest.” he said, just wanting to know what he was thinking, hating to be kept in suspense like this. His heart felt like it was sinking down into his stomach like lead, and he could feel it beating hard, his hands starting to tremble with the anxiety of wanting to know his brother's reaction.

Lukas didn’t say anything though, just pulling Eirikur into a tight hug. He held him there for a few moments before letting out a soft sigh and pulling away to look at him “I could never be angry at you” he told him gently “I can’t pretend that I’m not… surprised or that I think an accidental pregnancy is the most responsible thing you’ve ever done, but… you’re my baby brother, and I love you.” He said pulling Eirikur into another hug, holding him close for a few more moments, before pulling away again, his hands settled firmly on his little brother’s shoulders “I do have to ask you though- Who’s the father?” He said, concern causing his brow to crease. Clearly, he was worrying a lot about Eirikur’s possible future with whoever the baby daddy was “I don’t know who you’re seeing right now, I can’t seem to keep track-“

“Yeah… about that-“ Eirikur said, looking down. God this was terrible. Maybe he wouldn’t be angry, but he could imagine Lukas would still be disappointed to hear that not only did he not know who the baby daddy was, but that he was in 4 simultaneous relationships with men who had not consented to this setup whatsoever. Lukas must’ve still thought he was just seeing one guy and this was just a simple mistake, and that the baby would be the most complicated thing about all of this “I don’t… I don’t know who the father is exactly.” he confessed awkwardly, squirming a little under his brother’s intense stare “… I have it narrowed down, but uh… yeah- I uh…. I don’t know who it is.“

“Right- I didn’t know you were the type to have one night stands.” Lukas began, patting his back, “But it’s okay, I’m not judging you, you only get to be young once, who are the people you have it narrowed it down to?” he asked gently, clearly trying his best to keep calm and not panic. This wasn’t the life Lukas wanted for him of course. Lukas wanted him to have settled down with one person before he had kids after all.

“So there’s Leon… He’s a possible father“ Eirikur said, starting to count on his fingers “But there’s also Alfred, and Lars, and Sadik, and I’m not sure who’s it is-“ he told him, not meeting his eyes, just staring at his hands as he counted them out “I’ve uh… sort of been seeing them all…” Oh God, he could already see the cogs turning in his brother’s mind as he tried to figure out what all of this meant about his little brother.

“Right… is this a uh… a polyamorous relationship?” he asked uncertainly, his confusion evident on his features. Eirikur never told his family much about his private life, so a lot of this was new information for the man, even though they were brothers. He was still wrong though, it was not a polyamorous relationship like Lukas was thinking of. That would imply that all the men were consenting and knew about each other, and that simply was not the case. 

“It’s… it’s not like that exactly- It’s not… uh…“ Eirikur started to say, though he was losing track of his words, the more he tried to voice the situation out loud, the more he realised just how much he’d fucked up. He kept his head down, looking at his clammy hands as he began to speak again “They uhm… they don’t know about each other really at all-“ he confessed guiltily. 

He felt Lukas’s hand slap him upside the head, though not with much force. Even at hearing this, Lukas couldn’t bring himself to hurt his little brother. Eirikur was very glad of this, as much as he felt that he deserved to be hit with the full force of something much stronger than just the light slap Lukas hit him with.

“Eirikur Steilsson!” Lukas exclaimed, looking very disappointed and- wow kind of horrified. Eirikur hated seeing that expression on Lukas’s face, especially directed at him like that. “I thought you were brought up better than that!” he continued, looking just… so disappointed with him “Cheating on them all like that-! You can’t do that- it’s not right. They have the right to know what’s going on-!“ he told him tersely, before letting out a soft sound of exasperation “I don’t like to call people sluts, but I don’t know what else to call this kind of behaviour, Eiri…” he said, looking really just… so disappointed.

Eirikur nodded, not meeting his brother’s eyes “You’re not wrong… but could you be a bit quieter, I don’t want the others to know-” he said quietly “God… I have no idea what I should do, Lukas… I thought about… y’know- getting it aborted, but every time I do think about it, I just feel- sick and guilty and bad-“ he told him “And I know it’s my choice, and there’s nothing wrong with people who get them, and maybe it’s what would be best in this situation, but… I don’t know man- I don’t know…” he tried to explain, his hands fiddling with the hem of his sweater to try to dispel some of the anxiety that was building up for him.

Lukas nodded, clearly trying to keep his judgement down for now, though Eiri could still feel how disappointed he was in his little brother, and how he had clearly wanted better for him. Still, he pat Eirikur’s back gently and spoke with a more level voice now “I can’t tell you what to do, but I don’t know if keeping it would be the best idea for you. You’d need to come off of T, and you’d have to raise this child, possibly all by yourself. You have no idea who the father is, or whether they’d even want the child, you know?” he said “And even if they did, that kid would be conceived by you cheating- It’s… it’s a lot to be dealing with.”

“Yeah, but… what if it’s my only chance to have a kid that’s genetically mine?” Eirikur asked uncertainly “People on T don’t usually get pregnant, this is a freak event, it might not happen again.” He questioned, not wanting to give the child up immediately, though he was thinking about it “What if this kid turned out to be the best thing that happened to me? What if they’re really great- y’know? I don’t wanna miss out on that. They could make me really happy, I see loads of stuff about how people’s kids make their lives so much better and make them so much happier as people” He continued “But… I don’t know if I can handle everything if I did keep it… coming off of T, pregnancy in general, the way people are going to look at me, I don’t know if I can do it- y’know?”

“You have a point, I do worry about how people would look at you, what they’d say… and… and that’s not your fault, being trans isn’t anyone’s fault, but… people will have opinions, and people might be mean.” He told him “Most people here I’m sure would be accepting, but there are a lot of tourists about too… and doctors who are used to just dealing with women, and yeah- I have no idea how your uh… boyfriends(?) Will take it.” He said.

“Yeah. Fuck man… I wish this was less complicated. Like… I didn’t want to get pregnant in the first place, which in a way means I should get rid of it, right? But… I don’t know if I want to, if I could, now that it’s there, and it’s got a possible future… What if the kid made me really happy, and having it actually made my life better in the long run, y’know?” he said “But at the same time, I have no idea if it could be the opposite, and ruin my life, and make everything harder and worse and just…. Terrible.” He mused, flopping to lay back on the bed, one hand over his middle “I have no idea how I’m gonna talk to them about it-“

“I can’t help you there.” Lukas said with a soft from “I have no idea how you’re supposed to break it to them. I can’t imagine any of them would be happy, especially not Leon, you guys got together in high school, didn’t you?” he asked “That’s what- four or five years now? To find out you’ve been cheating on him, he’s going to be upset.”

Eirikur nodded “I only have to tell them if I decide to keep the kid-“ he mumbled.

“Eirikur no. You’re telling them either way.” Lukas told him firmly “You’re going to arrange to meet with them each individually and talk about it, maybe that’ll help you come to a decision.”

He hated when his brother was right, but… he did have a point. He took out his mobile phone and started arranging to meet with them each individually. Leon first, then Alfred, then Lars, and then finally Sadik. Fuck. This was going to be stressful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm really excited to be posting fanfic again, I really hop you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it, there is definitely more to come, though because of uni deadlines I don't know e x a c t l y when that will be.
> 
> Reviews and comments are always well received, I love feedback!


	3. First

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for Eirikur to tell boyfriend number 1, Leon!   
> TW for mentions of drug use

It didn’t take long for Eirikur to send out the texts and arrange times to meet each of them. If nothing else, he was organised enough to handle having four boyfriends without them finding out about each other. Well they didn’t know, to his knowledge, so he had to be doing something right. The texts were difficult to write, he couldn’t help but feel guilty, asking each of them to come on a different day. One at a time. One step at a time. He could keep it manageable. He could already tell though, that this was going to be emotionally exhausting. To each of them this was going to be new, and very upsetting no doubt. 

He’d decided to start with Leon, since Leon was his first boyfriend… and he wasn’t busy. Eirikur had arranged for him to come and visit him that day via text. He paced about his bedroom, awaiting his arrival, while Lukas sat and watched him with an expression he couldn’t quite read. Lukas had said he’d leave when Leon arrived, but that he wanted to keep an eye on Eirikur until then, so he didn’t freak out too much or run away. Eirikur wasn’t sure how he could not freak out too much, but he was still trying his best not to. The wait was suffocating though, and he could hardly breathe.

The doorbell rang.

All he felt was heat coursing through him and then ice as panic surged through him, his heart pounding hard in his throat and his stomach twisting inside him. “Shit- fuck- I can’t tell him Lukas-“ he said, frantically “I can’t do it- I can’t do it- I can’t do it- I'm going to throw up-!“ he repeated “He’s going to hate me forever- Oh God- oh God- what if he breaks up with me-? He's definitely going to break up with me-!”

Lukas shrugged almost dismissively “Well then you’ll learn your lesson about cheating. Come on, you’re answering the door.” He said, taking Eirikur by the arm and casually dragging him down the stairs to the door. He pushed Eirikur to stand in front of the door before opening it promptly, so he couldn’t run away. And there Leon was on the other side looking completely oblivious to everything that was going on. Eirikur just wanted to sink into the ground. The guilt seemed to only compound as he saw him standing there.

Leon smiled and took off his headphones when he realised they’d answered the door, pausing his music and pocketing his phone “Hey man, what’s up? You’ve been like- not answering my texts much lately, what’s with that?” he asked, getting straight to the point. He’d never been one to beat around the bush. He didn’t seem to have any clue on what was going on though, Eirikur wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not at this point.

Eirikur frowned, looking away “I’ve been kinda sick.” He told him, guilt coursing through him as he spoke “I’m not contagious though, so you uh- you wanna come inside?” he asked, palms sweating, and voice trembling just a little. He felt sick to his stomach, especially seeing how Leon was so unaware of everything, just smiling and happy to see him, asking Lukas how he was doing and so on. God he felt awful.

“Oh yeah, sure, I’ve missed you babe.” Leon said with a soft smile, stepping inside and taking his shoes off. He gave Eirikur a quick kiss that made him feel terribly guilty, and embarrassed especially with his brother right there. He still kissed him back, albeit briefly. Leon would probably want to take the kiss right back when he found out what happened.

“Let’s… let’s go to my room, I… I need to talk to you about some things.” Eirikur said after pulling away, hesitantly taking his hand and leading the way. He didn’t want to seem like too much was wrong all at once, though it likely wasn’t working. His palms were terribly sweaty, and he was acting suspiciously. Still, Leon didn’t comment on it, so there was still that he supposed.

Leon followed him to his room willingly and the two of them sat on the bed in his room, cross legged and facing each other, much like they had done when they’d first gotten together in high school. Leon was Eirikur’s first in many ways.

First boyfriend,  
First kiss,  
First fuck,  
First person he’d said ‘I love you’ too in a romantic way,  
First person he’d cheated on  
First boyfriend he’d tell about all of this.

Eirikur hated himself for it- he felt like the worst person in history. Leon had seen him through so much. They’d graduated highschool together, and Leon had started college, and Eirikur had been transitioning, and the whole time Leon had been so supportive and never once made him feel bad about himself. He was so good to him in almost every way, and yet he still couldn’t seem to be enough. Eirikur still cheated on him.

“So- what’s this meeting about?” Leon asked with a smile “You look so serious and kinda sweaty no offense-” he said, laughing a bit. He seemed a little nervous now, though he was obviously trying to hide it and act casually.

“R-right yeah…” Eirikur said, trying his best to think of how to word things correctly. No amount of rehearsing seemed to be preparing him for this. “So.. uhm- where to begin-” he stalled, like he had done with his brother. Anything to eat up the time before he had to rip Leon’s heart out and tell him he’d been cheating on him with 3 different guys, and that he was also pregnant, just to make matters worse.

“I need to come clean, and I’m really really sorry about everything I have to tell you about.” he said, not able to look him in the eye, just down at his clammy hands.

“Are- are you breaking up with me-?” Leon asked worriedly “Because if this is about the drugs, I swear I’m trying to get clean- you know all the stress I’m under right now with my degree and my family and stuff-” Leon started to say, excuses ready in his throat about how he swore he would get clean this time. Eirikur had heard this a few times, so he didn’t feel bad interrupting.

“It’s- it’s not about the drugs- and I’m not- breaking up with you. You might break up with me though, after you hear about this.” he told him “And I’ll understand completely and entirely.”

“Babe- you’re kinda worrying me-” Leon said with a soft frown “What’s up?”

“So…. shit- there’s no easy way to say this. I’ve been- fuck...” He paused, taking another moment, and a deep breath, before finally telling him. “I’ve been cheating on you, and now I’m pregnant, and I don’t know who the father is.” He admitted “And you probably hate me now, and you’re well within your rights if you never ever want to see me again-” he told him, feeling like he might cry. Testosterone made it harder for him to cry for some reason, but- well he still could sometimes, if he was that upset.

Leon looked a little horrified, and absolutely heartbroken “You know- I knew in the back of my mind that you were-” he told him, eyes already streaming by the looks of it “And I must be a complete idiot because I’m still not going to break up with you-” he told him, his voice getting wobbly “Because even though you’ve done this… and this is so unforgivable. I still love you somehow.”

Eirikur couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could he still love him after hearing that. He should hate him! He should want to punch him in the face for cheating. Why wouldn't he break up with him!?

“I- no- I’ve been cheating on you with like three other guys Leon-! You should hate me! You should leave me! I’ve been legit the worst boyfriend known to man-!” He exclaimed “You could do so much better than me!”

“Shit three guys-? Jeez- Eiri... how messed up do you need to be to date four different guys at once-? Like- are you that unhappy with your life? Am I that bad in bed-?” Leon said, looking more than a little judgemental, but not angry, which was weird.

“I… yeah… I just… every time I was going to tell you- and suggest- I don’t know some kind of poly thing- but- I never knew how to say it, and then it got too late for it to be okay- and then I just kind of tried to never mention it or think about it-” he told him honestly “And now I’m dating you, and three other guys- Alfred, Lars, and Sadik, and I’m pregnant, and I don’t know what to do, and I feel about ready to kill myself, not gonna lie.”

“Wow Eiri… you’re kind of being a slut, no offence, but like- I think I get to say that. I think I know Alfred- He’s in my economics class in college-” He told him “I mean I get the appeal, and I’ll never look like him- but… man- you really know how to hurt a guy-” Leon said before pressing his lips together and heaving a short sigh “You really know how to hurt a guy-“ he repeated.

“Yeah… yeah I’m pretty much Satan, I’ll admit to it-” Eirikur said quietly, still not able to meet his eyes “I’m a massive slut, and I’m disgusting and you should definitely break up with me.” Eirikur said, pushing his hair back from his face for a moment to try to calm himself down. His heart still felt like it was going a mile a minute, and his eyes kept threatening to spill over with tears, though he continued to blink them back.

“I would- and I really should break up with you at this point.” Leon began before taking a sigh “But- I can’t- I still love you because I’m an idiot- and… well… neither of us are perfect. I know how much I’ve put you through with all the drugs and shit- and when I’ve ended up in hospital- and… I think maybe… you’re doing the- uh- sleeping with a bunch of guys to fill- basically the same hole, y’know?”

“Yeah, but addiction is an illness I’m just a slut-” Eirikur argued, gesturing to himself “I’m fine in every other way- I’m not depressed or anything, I’ve never been abused, or even had someone be slightly mean to me-”

“No- but you’re really lonely.” Leon said bluntly, which felt uncomfortable to hear in all honesty. It was too close to home. “You always said about how you grew up mostly by yourself, your parents died, and then you lived with your cousins, but they were all busy, and you were just- y’know- by yourself. Maybe this is because of that-?”

“My vague childhood angst is not the reason for me being a dick.” Eirikur asserted “I just can’t say no to people- and I’m greedy, and disgusting. Even if I was trying to fill a hole- it’s no excuse to act like how I’ve been acting.” he said, grimacing at the phrase ‘fill a hole’ now. Bad word choice.

“Because you’re lonely.” Leon interjected.

“I’m not lonely! Get out of my head! Stop psychoanalysing me, I don’t like it-!” he said shaking his head, as if it would dislodge Leon’s armchair diagnosis of his inner loneliness or something. “I don’t do it to you- I’m not trying to figure out your motives about why you still want to date me after all I’ve done- I’m not trying to link it to like- I don’t know daddy issues or some shit-” he said “I just… you should hate me, Leon-”

“I should.” Leon agreed “But I don’t. And I’m gonna stay with you, and I dunno- maybe we could work out some kind of poly thing. We’ve been dating for like four years now- I can’t throw that away, Eirikur- I just… I can’t.” he said, his expression far too sincere for Eirikur to be able to handle. Was he that desperate to stay together!?

“Leon, I’ve been cheating on you for three years.” He pleaded despairingly “Please just tell me you hate me- slap me, break up with me-” He said, the guilt eating away at his insides the more and more Leon tried to come up for excuses for him, and reasons to stay. It was like he couldn’t see reality for what it was at all. All he wanted was to be punished for all of the guilt he felt, so he could feel less like a terrible person.

Eirikur couldn’t stop himself from crying at this point, cringing when Leon went to put an arm around him “Don’t touch me!” He snapped tearfully and pushing him away “I’m disgusting and you should definitely hate me. You should go-! Now!” he said between hiccoughs.

Leon looked hurt to hear this, but he shook his head “Well I don’t hate you, and I don’t think you’re disgusting.” he said “I’ll be right back though. I… I need a minute- and so do you.” He added, getting up from the bed and heading out of the room.

Eirikur was quiet, watching Leon leave to go to the bathroom. Once he was gone though, he let himself sob openly. He laid curled up on his side on the bed, tears cascading down his cheeks. This was so emotionally draining, and he was going to have to do it another several times. He didn't know how he'd cope.

He was too upset and preoccupied with crying to notice the person approaching him. He didn't notice until he felt a hand on his shoulder that made him flinch and look up suddenly, tears still streaming down his now very red and puffy from crying face.

It was Matthias, Lukas’s boyfriend. He’d been living with them all for a few years now, so he felt like another brother to Eirikur really, albeit a loud and weird one.

"Hey there bud- You uh- you doing okay?" He asked gently, shaking his shoulder in what Eirikur assumed was meant to be a comforting way. It was obvious that he didn't really know what to do in this situation. Eirikur didn't cry much, not even before hormones, so he didn't have much experience comforting him.

"Not really-" Eirikur managed to choke out "I'm not doing okay at all-" he told him honestly, flopping forward against him a little, resting his head on his chest, unable to stop himself from crying.

"Shit- uh… you wanna talk about it? Should I get Lukas-? One of the others -? Can I hug you?" Matthias asked, clearly out of his depth with all of this. It probably made him panic to see Eirikur crying at all, Eiri wasn’t sure that he’d ever cried in front of Matthias before, and especially not like this.

"I don't want to talk-" he told him through hiccoughs "I just - I'll be fine." He added, just crying against him. He wished he could stop and calm down or tell him to leave, but he couldn’t. Eventually though, he did pull away, rubbing at his eyes “I’ve just got some things I need to deal with-“ he told him “And it’s kind of a lot.”

Matthias nodded sympathetically “Well- you know you can always talk to me if you need to. I know I’m not the best at this stuff, but you know I care about you. You’re a good kid.”

Hearing that made Eirikur cry more. He was not a good kid in the slightest. He was terrible “I’m not- I’m such a terrible person, Mat-“ he said, shaking his head “I fucked up so bad- I fucked up so fucking bad.” He told him, rubbing his eyes “I’m not the good person you think I am-“ he added, curling up, crying onto his knees.

Matthias moved to put an arm around him “Hey…. Hey- it’s okay.” He said gently “Whatever it is- we can figure it out, yeah? We all do bad things we aren’t happy about sometimes-“ he added “But what’s important is that we grow from our mistakes, y’know?”

This was when Leon came back, also looking very much like he’d been crying. He looked in at Eirikur and Matthias and gave an awkward nod “I… I think I’m gonna go now- I… I have some things I need to sort out.” He told them “I’ll see you later- you don’t need to see me out-“ he added, before walking out. Eirikur heard the front door shut a little while after.

“Did you two break up-?” Matthias asked after a few moments “Is that what this is about?”

Eirikur shook his head “No… no- if we broke up I wouldn’t be this upset. I’d be upset but… not like this.” He told him honestly, rubbing his eyes “I just… I really fucked up. I don’t want to talk about it- I don’t want to cry anymore- can you go-? I want to be alone.”

Matthias frowned “I don’t know if I want to leave you alone right now- I’ve never seen you this freaked out before, and I’m kind of worried about you, y’know? This is… this is really unlike you, little bro. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen you cry before, and especially not like this.” He said, squeezing his shoulders gently “How about…” he took a long pause, clearly trying to think of something that could aid the situation “How about we have some coffee in the kitchen and I can make you something nice to eat?” 

Eirikur's stomach lurched at the thought “No, no I don't want anything- I still feel sick.” He told him quietly “Just leave me be, Please…” 

Matthias refused “I'm not leaving you until you've calmed down a bit- how about… would you like to go for a walk with me? Or- or watch a movie? Do you have work later?” He asked. It was obvious that he wasn't going to leave until Eirikur calmed down. 

He would've asked him to go away and get Lukas instead, but somehow that made Eirikur feel worse “Maybe a walk…” he mumbled after a few moments “But not around other people- and not for too long.” He told him “I've had a really long day, Matthias.” 

Matthias nodded “Right, a nice quiet little walk sounds good.” He said with a smile “I can drive us out somewhere peaceful, come on.” He said, ushering Eirikur out of the bed and to the door “Put your boots on, let's go, yeah?” he said, putting his own boots on and grabbing a jacket just incase the weather turned.

Eirikur nodded, lacing up his boots and picking up his own coat, before walking out of the house with Matthias and to the man's car. Maybe some fresh air would help. It couldn’t make things worse that was for sure. Maybe just… a walk in the fresh air away from people, with just Matthias would help. He could hope so at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a review if you get a chance, I really appreciate them! Especially if anyone has any suggestions!  
> The more reviews I get, the faster new chapters will be haha!


	4. That Kind of Guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matthias does his best to console Eirikur and talk to him about what's going on in his life.

Eirikur was still crying in the car as Matthias drove out of Reykjavik and into the wilderness. He sank down in his seat, as they passed through populated streets. He couldn't be seen like this. It was humiliating, and he hated it. Despite this, no matter how hard he seemed to try to calm himself down, to force himself to stop, he couldn't. Matthias had made it clear however, that he wasn’t comfortable leaving Eirikur alone until he’d calmed down. Though Eirikur understood this, he really wanted to be alone. It'd be easier to calm down that way, surely.  
   
The car ride was wordless as Eirikur tried to contend with his guilt and the thoughts spiralling around his mind. It was suffocating, and unending. Leon wouldn't leave him, not even if he begged. He did still love him. He didn’t want to be alone, for everyone to leave him, he loved them all, he was sure of it… but maybe he was wrong. Maybe he got love wrong.

Matthias drove for a while, almost an hour in silence in the car. Eirikur was able to calm down after a while, managing to stop crying and breathe more deeply. He felt a little better, especially once they were out of Reykjavik and driving through the vast and open wilderness. People couldn’t look on at him with judgement if there were no people, so he could watch the landscape pass them by as Matthias continued to drive, admiring the cliffs, waterfalls, grassy expanses, volcanic expanses, all of it. He felt lucky to live somewhere so beautiful. Maybe he could just run away and become a hermit living in an old abandoned turf house for the rest of his life.  
   
Eventually Matthias pulled over to the side of the road, and parked the car. Technically people weren’t supposed to do this, but if there were no complaints, it wasn’t exactly hard to get away with. “This’ll do.” Matthias said with a cautious  smile, unbuckling his seatbelt and stepping out of the car and onto the grass. The man knew that Eirikur felt most at peace when he was out in the nature somewhere, far from civilisation. If there were sheep, which one would likely find just about if it wasn’t winter, it was even better.  
   
Eirikur stepped out of the car hesitantly after a few moments, still not looking at Matthias. He couldn’t. He just wanted to lock himself away for good and throw away the key. He didn’t deserve to be around normal, good, respectable people. He deserved to live as a hermit for the rest of his life so he couldn’t hurt anyone else. He would be a terrible parent too, he felt it in his gut that he would be. Maybe it would be better if he didn’t have the child after all- he didn’t think he’d be able to give them the good life they deserved.  
   
“Let’s just walk for a bit yeah? Maybe we can find some sheep for you to chill out with.” Matthias said, starting to walk up towards a grassy hill. Eirikur followed suit, walking beside the man, not speaking or looking at him. Everything was still swirling in his mind.   
   
He was pregnant, and if he did nothing about it, he would have a baby in less than nine months. Not only this, he did not know who the father was. He had no way to tell until the baby was born in fact. Until then, he could only guess. He was still overwhelmed by the prospect of telling the other three about all of this. He really didn’t want to. It was nauseating just to think about in all honesty. He could still hardly believe it was true. A baby. A real baby. It was terrifying.  
   
Meanwhile, they continued to walk. Probably for another half hour or hour. Eirikur was more calm by then, and when Matthias sat down nearby a grazing sheep, Eirikur sat down with him, albeit a ‘safe’ distance away, so he wouldn’t do anything stupid. The safe distance was about four feet.   
   
The sheep they’d sat near, came to investigate the two young men, and Eirikur felt honestly comforted by the presence. Oh to be a sheep farmer and live up in the highlands away from society. That would be the best. He petted the sheep’s face gently, stroking its woollen coat when it laid down beside him.  
   
“You’re such a Disney prince~” Matthias said with a soft laugh. He’d been called that a fair few times. Animals seemed to like him an awful lot, and he didn’t know why. Eirikur loved the animals too, relaxing and leaning against the resting sheep gently. The sheep didn’t seem to mind. It bleated, flicked its tail and relaxed beside him as he rested his head and stroked its coat lazily.  
   
“So, you gonna tell me what’s got you all upset, champ?” Matthias asked after a few more moments sympathetically “I promise I won’t judge you. I did some stuff I wasn’t proud of when I was younger too.” he added “... A lot of stuff- oof. But this isn’t about me! It’s about you! Talk to me, little man.” he added, he was pretty clearly out of his depth, but Eirikur appreciated him taking the time to look after him anyway.  
   
He shrugged in a non-committal way “I don’t know what to say.” he told him honestly “I just… really royally fucked up.” he told him defeatedly “Like… catastrophically fucked up, like possibly ruined my life kind of fucked up-”  
   
Matthias nodded quietly “I see… you uh- wanna be more specific?” he asked awkwardly “There’s a lot of ways to potentially ruin your life, so I’m not sure what advice would be best to give you- And Hey- no problem is unsolvable, we're all here for you."

Eirikur frowned, silent for a while as he contemplated how he should break the news. What way could he break it-? He was quiet for a while, taking some deep breaths, his hands fiddling with the sheep's woollen coat.

“I’ve been cheating…” he began, curling up a little more, trying to relax and just talk “-on Leon… with… with a few other guys- and I uh… somehow managed to get myself pregnant...I don’t know who’s it is.” He confessed. He watched Matthias now for his reaction, waiting for him to respond.

Somehow it had been easier to tell Matthias than it had been to tell Lukas or Leon. Maybe it was because he had time to prepare himself, maybe it was because they were outside in the wilderness, maybe it was the sheep. He didn’t know. It was probably the sheep.  
   
Matthias looked justifiably surprised by the announcement, unable to hide it, his eyes wide for a moment at hearing it “Right… Well that is a lot to take in. Thanks for telling me though, I know you don’t like talking about stuff.” he said. Matthias was usually a much louder and less sensitive person, but it seemed that he knew to be sensitive right now. Eirikur appreciated that a lot. The support meant a lot.  
   
“Yeah… I need to tell them all and then… I need to decide whether I should even keep the baby.” he told him “And… I know I have the right to get rid of it, and my rights to outweigh any rights of a clump of cells just kind of growing, and I know I don’t need to have anyone’s permission or anything to get an abortion… but… If I don’t have a kid now, I don’t know if I ever would have one again, y’know? Like- it’s total fluke that this happened, and if this was my one chance- I don’t want to blow it, y’know?” It felt good to get this off of his chest. Matthias really was a good guy. He could see why Lukas liked him so much. He was so understanding. 

Matthias nodded “Yeah… sounds like you have a lot to think about.” he told Eirikur sympathetically “And I don’t think anyone can really tell you what the right call is, but you should know what whatever you decide to do, we’ll all support you, y’know? We all love you so much- even if right now… you’re not being the kind of person you want to be, y’know?”

“Right-” he said. He was glad to have his family, to have these people care for him so much, whether he deserved it or not- even if he wasn’t being someone he was proud of right now. Matthias was so kind, sitting there with him, his eyes full of sympathy and care.  

“If I had a child… what kind of life do you think they’d live?” he asked him “Do you think they’d be happy? Would I be able to provide what they need? Would I give them issues? What if the dad doesn’t want to be involved? What if he try to take them from me? What if the baby hates me?” he asked, anxieties boiling up inside “I don’t want my own child to hate me. I don’t know anything about kids though, I could fuck it up so easily and not even know-”

Silence. Again he waited for Matthias to have an answer for him, but the man was taking his time. He looked up at the sky as if it would bring the answers to him, the sunshine dappling through his hair, and making his eyes look so beautiful. He was very attractive, Eirikur couldn't deny it.   
   
“Well… I think the fact that you’re taking all of this so seriously is a good sign..” Matthias said thoughtfully after a few moments, watching Eirikur as he laid there with the sheep. “And… well- I think with a lot of this, you’ll be okay if you decide to keep them, you wouldn’t be on your own doing this. You’d have Lukas, and me and Timo and Berwald.” He said “And maybe the father might help out too. Leon seems to want to stick around, so you’ll have him too maybe-“ he added.

Eirikur groaned, exasperated “That’s a point-“ he said “But… given Leon’s situation, I don’t know if a baby is what he needs right now- he’s got college to worry about, and his y’know- the drugs-“ he told him, saying the last part quieter. It was no secret that Leon had a problem, and it’d only been getting worse lately. It still felt shameful to talk about though- like drugs were a dirty word.

“Well… there is that-“ Matthias said quietly, some discomfort in his expression now “But… maybe this will be… like… a reason for him to get clean, don’t you think?” he asked him hopefully. He always saw the best in people.

“If it’s his that is… I have- y’know… my doubts about that though.” Eirikur confessed awkwardly, his cheeks getting redder “It’s not like it’s impossible, but y’know… He’s… y’know-“ he looked away. There wasn’t a good way to explain to his older brother’s boyfriend  the specific ins and outs of his relationship with Leon.

Matthias seemed to get it after a few moments though “Ooh-! Ooh, I see~” he exclaimed with a playful smile “Well, aren’t you the big man~” he added, still smiling and ruffling Eirikur’s hair as he put his hands over his face and whined with embarrassment. He didn’t want to have this conversation, not with Matthais, or anyone else.

“Don’t say it like that-“ he groaned “You make everything so embarrassing.” He complained, moving to bury his burning face into the sheep’s thick wool. It was a little scratchy, and smelt a bit funny, but he didn’t care. At least he wouldn’t have to look at Matthias while he teased him.  
   
“Hey hey, there’s no shame in it.” Matthias said with a soft laugh, patting his back reassuringly “You’re both grown men, you can do what you like. I mean- as much as you might like to pretend you’ve never had sex in your life- I think it’s fair to assume you have. Y’know- given your situation and all. But hey! There’s no shame in that, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.” He told him, patting his back again “Come on, take your face out of the sheep, she might not like it.” He added with a playful laugh.

Eirikur huffed and stayed as he was, ever stubborn and easily embarrassed “Sorry but this is where I belong.” He told him, a little jokingly, still very embarrassed. He couldn’t believe it. He didn’t want to think about anyone knowing he’d had sex. When the pregnancy started to show though, it’d be obvious- He felt so embarrassed at himself, ashamed- like it affected his status as a man, though he knew it didn’t, and all of his partners never treated him as anything but a man. But it still felt so… embarrassing and vulnerable to be like this. Getting pregnant felt like such a woman-y thing to do- he knew he was still a man, but it felt bad. Dysphoric. 

“If you were me- what would you do-?” Eirikur asked Matthias after a few moments, finally moving his face from the sheep “I feel like… like I can’t make my mind up at all. I need to make a chart with pros and cons or something.” he told him “If you were in my situation… how would you handle it?”

Another pause.

Matthias looked like he was deep in thought for a few moments “Well… now that’s a hard one.” he said with a soft laugh “I think… I think I’d keep it-” he said “Since I might not have another chance- but… it’s hard to imagine not knowing who the father would be… who do you want the father to be?”

“I… have no idea.” he told him honestly “If it’s Leon or Sadik, then I wouldn’t need to get a DNA test, we could just see who’s the baby was-” he said “But if it’s Alfred or Lars… then I don’t know-”

“Wait- Lars?” Matthias paused for a moment, since the only Lars he knew that Eirikur also knew was a good friend of his for quite some years. “My friend Lars? Huh… I didn’t realise… I thought he was a bit old for your tastes- him and I dated for a while, we’re like Kviðmágar!”  he said with a laugh.

Eirikur rolled his eyes embarrassedly "I guess so." He said, looking away, the image of Matthias and Lars together invading his mind in a way he wasn’t comfortable with. He didn't want to think about him like that! He was Lukas’s boyfriend! "I don't want to think about it." He said after a few moments, trying to kill any further conversation regarding Lars dead.

Matthias laughed "It's a small country, it was bound to happen." He said playfully, putting his arm around Eirikur and giving his shoulder a playful shake. It wasn't fair. He was handsome and kind and funny and smart and Lukas's.

"Stop touching me!” Eirikur exclaimed, getting very tense and slapping his hand away sharply. He didn't mean for it to come out like that, but he couldn’t take it back now. 

Matthias withdrew his hand quickly, as though he’d been burned, his smile faltering "Oh- sorry- Right-" he said, looking just a little hurt. And now Eirikur felt like and even worse person. It wasn’t fair… or it was but he still didn’t like it.

"Sorry-! Sorry- I'm just- fuck…" Eirikur said, feeling… honestly pretty overwhelmed by all of this "You didn't do anything wrong-" he said, heaving a sigh "My head's just a mess right now and I don't need all the touching." He told him, not wanting to seem like he was actually mad at the Dane. He didn’t want Matthias feeling like he’d done something wrong, or upset Eirikur himself.

Matthias nodded quietly "Right." He repeated, looking like he honestly wasn't sure what to do with himself in this situation. "Well I'll keep that in mind." He said softly “I don’t want to stress you out more or anything, you know that, Eiri-“ Why was he so kind? It wasn't fair. He was so good.

Eirikur nodded, moving to sit up a little from the sheep, looking at Matthias for a few moments before looking away. His mind kept conjuring sexual fantasies now he’d mentioned being with Lars, and he couldn't handle it. Off limits! He was off limits! He was dating Lukas for heaven's sake! He felt disgusted at himself for even thinking it. He’d known Matthias since he was a kid! It was weird! He was Lukas’s boyfriend!

Matthias gave him a quiet concerned expression "Hey… bud… if you wanna talk about anything… you know you can talk to me, right?" He was always so nice. It wasn’t fair! He was so kind, and understanding, and he definitely was attractive too. No. No. Off limits. Off limits.

Eirikur squirmed where he was sat, not looking at Matthias "I know that-" he said quietly, though he didn't feel like it was very true. He couldn’t talk to Matthias about this. It’d just make him uncomfortable, and Matthias would think he was a freak, or even more of a cheat, and he’d have to tell Lukas, and then Lukas would hate him forever and everything would be terrible.

Still, he couldn’t just sit here and do nothing about all of this, he felt like a shaken up can of cola, just ready to explode while he was sat there, like he needed to do something anything to prove to himself that these feelings weren’t real. It was just his mind playing tricks on him, that was all it was. He wasn’t actually interested in him, it was just… because he’d gotten it into his head. Invasive thoughts- that’s what it was.

The silence of the moment felt deafening, and torturous though. He caved to his brain, turning and facing Matthias. If he just proved to himself that he wasn’t interested, then everything could settle down in his brain. If he kissed him, he’d feel nothing, and then he could get back on with his life, without this stupid thought weighing over him along with everything else. Surely that would fix at least this small part of everything going wrong.

He moved towards him, kissing Matthias’s lips forcefully, hoping to quiet his mind before pulling away. He would realise he wasn’t interested and then he would apologise and they would both move on- that’s what would happen. It wasn’t what happened. It had been naïve to think that was ever what was going to happen. 

Matthias moved back quickly, looking understandably shocked and confused, shaking his head “Eirikur-! I- I don’t like you like that-!“ he exclaimed, moving his hands up now “I’m dating Lukas-! You- you know I’m not that kind of guy-“ he added, which felt like a knife in Eirikur’s side, but he wasn’t wrong. Matthias was good. Eirikur was not.

Eirikur moved away, a hand covering his mouth. feeling hot guilt drench him from head to toe for even thinking about kissing him, and for the chance that he’d not hated it. He wanted to throw himself into a volcano. “I’m sorry- I don’t know what I was thinking- we should never talk about this again-“ he told him. What the fuck was wrong with him!? Why did he do that? He must’ve been depraved. 

Matthias nodded gently, still looking very shaken “Yeah… this- you’re just… you’re dealing with a lot right now- this- we’re going to have to talk to Lukas- because… not because I want to drop you in anything, just… this is worrying-“ he told him, concern weighing on his brow “I’m getting kind of worried about you, champ-“ he added, obviously uncomfortable. Eirikur could hear the anxiety in the man’s voice. He was trying not to upset him again, it was obvious. Damage control. He hated him, he must’ve done. Disgusting. 

Eirikur looked down “I’m fine- I’m just stupid.” He told him, looking away. Shame coursing through his veins. How could he be so stupid!? He knew it was stupid! He should never have even entertained the thought of all this. What had he been thinking!? He’d been completely inappropriate. Disgusting. Vile. 

“No.. No you’re not stupid, you’re just… going through a hard time right now.” Matthias said gently “Let’s… let’s… take you home.” He added “It’s getting late…”

"Please stop being so nice to me." Eirikur said quietly "I can't take it. I've never felt so guilty in my life, Matthias. Everyone is being so nice to me, and I don’t deserve it.” he said, feeling like he was begging, begging him to just- be mean. Make it easier for him to push down the feelings he had, make it easier to feel less guilty, to love him less. It was too easy to fall. Tears started beading up in his eyes again. Matthias frowned “I’m sorry.” he said “Let’s go home…” The walk back to the car, and the ride home were wordless from there. 

Once they got in, Eirikur went straight to his room. It had been a really really long day, and he needed some rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kviðmágar = two people who've had sex with the same person, directly translates as like 'belly cousins'
> 
> Boy oh boy this was a really hard one to write! It's been so long because I couldn't bring myself to write it, and I couldn't find the right words, but I think I'm happy with it now! Please leave a review if you enjoyed it, or if you hated it! 
> 
> I write this story for myself, but I love hearing what people think


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